I just found out that someone has cancer... now what? pt.1

You can skip reading these posts altogether and refer to "How drunk can I get at a wedding?" then basically just replace drinks with being upset/curious/supportive about someone's cancer and you can't go wrong. If you'd like more specifics, I'm going to tell you what I have and have not appreciated in the reactions I've received since my diagnosis.

This post will include the DOs and DON'Ts of Initial Reactions. Future posts will include Keeping Up and Gifts and Cards.

I want to make two disclaimers here:

1. These guidelines may not apply to everyone. I'm mildly neurotic and strongly introverted so those are things to maybe take into account. 
2. These guidelines all have to do with someone who is newly diagnosed. I don't have much other experience, yet. If you're talking to someone who is in their third round of chemo or has been battling for years, different rules may apply. 
3. If you're someone I know and you've committed something I list as an offense, please don't take it personally. You didn't know. I didn't even know until after you did it. I wouldn't be able to give this feedback if my experiences had not been both pleasant and not. I'm not trying to be passive aggressive and make you feel bad. I'm really sorry if I do. 

Let's begin. 

The person you are talking to has just mentioned that they have cancer. For me this is pretty awkward. I'm a very emotionally low-key individual so I'm particularly apprehensive of other peoples reactions. Keep in mind that the person you're talking to has just cleared an emotional hurdle by sharing this information with you. Whether you're their boss or their best friend: just stop, take a breath, and think before you speak. 

• DO: say you're sorry to hear the news. Cancer sucks and you're a human with normal human empathy. This is appropriate. 
• DON'T: immediately go on about other people you've known with cancer, their stories, and especially their outcomes.  By introducing other peoples' stories, you're forcing the person to feel empathetic towards you and these strangers. If you're close enough to the person, these things will come up later. If you aren't, they won't. You don't know where this person is with emotionally processing their own situation. When someone would tell me a story about their aunt who battled breast cancer for two years but unfortunately passed away, I just ended up feeling bad that I was too self involved at the time to feel bad. Try to stay in the here and now.
• DO: react. This person didn't just start a conversation about the weather. This isn't small talk. Even if they brought it up apparently in passing, it's still a big deal. Don't have an episode or anything, but you should show that you've heard them and understand the magnitude of what's been shared. The standard "oh my god" will suffice. 
• DON'T: otherwise mention god or prayer if you don't know if this person is religious or not. Especially don't if you're sure they aren't religious. That's rude. 
• DO: ask specific questions if you have them. Keep in mind your relationship to this person. If you're coworkers "Do you think you'll lose all sensation in your breasts?" may be crossing a line. But specific, concrete questions are easy to answer and will facilitate the flow of conversation. "Will you be able to work through through treatment?", "Are you going to need chemo?", "Where are you being treated?" are all acceptable follow-up questions if you find yourself stumped. 
• DON'T: ask "how are you feeling?" There are a million reasons to avoid this question right now. When i was down this question made me feel like i had to fake being ok. When i felt fine, it made me feel like i had no right. I personally think this is almost never a good question to ask anybody, ever. If you care, be more specific about what you want to know. If you don't then don't be so cliche. 

The answer is probably "All of the above".

• DO: Wish for the best. It's a nice, polite way to say you care and neatly wrap up a conversation about cancer. I haven't seen it done better. When the time comes and you and the person are ready to either end the conversation or move on to another topic, try something like "I really hope everything goes well for you". You especially, at all costs, want to avoid these last 4 DON'Ts at this point. 
• DON'T: insist on exchanging contact information. If you don't already have it then you probably won't use it. Nobody likes an empty gesture.
• DON'T: say "if there's anything I can do..." If you've never done this person a favor before, you're probably not close enough for them to feel comfortable asking anyway. 
• DON'T: assure them that they'll get through this. You aren't psychic. You don't know. Personally, I consider myself a very grounded, realistic person. Cancer is scary because it may very well kill me. I don't think there is a reason to pretend this isn't true. 
• DON'T: tell the person how strong they are. First, you're saddling them with this cliche warrior/survivor persona that they may feel the need to live up to around you. I almost wanted to laugh when folks said this to me. What choice do I have? I either put up with all the crappy pain and suffering or I die. You don't have to be especially strong to make that decision and stick with it. 

Which is a perfect place to stop. Part 2 of this series will cover Keeping Up: when and how and how often to check in with the person in your life who has been diagnosed with cancer. The wedding drinking rules probably are even more applicable then.